May 2013
1 tag
what you can use a diploma for:
a plate to eat M&M’s off of
a funnel to funnel M&M’s into your mouth
a fan
a piece of scratch paper twenty years after you’ve received the diploma
a surface to write on
arcane rituals, dark deeds, etc.
“i got a diploma. and it’s not counterfeit. i don’t think you can counterfeit a diploma, mom.”
i don’t...
a handy guide has very long fingers and gropes the people on the tour
to catch a perp redhanded, apprehend (not apprehand, because although it serves the purposes of this pun, that’s not a word) them and force them to touch a hot stove
everyone has the guts to do important things. if you don’t have guts then you can’t eat and breathe.
aaron burr walked into a bar and ordered a drink. the bartender refused to serve him because “we don’t serve alcoholic cows.” the joke is that aaron burr is a cow and also an alcoholic.
“i saw this and thought of you,” he said, and put the bag of dog shit on my desk.
i got an award for gym participation
tributary:
the only reason i am so interested in defenestration is because i am searching for the perfect window of opportunity
2 tags
if anyone says “smell ya later,” you are legally obligated to murder them
tributary:
snazzykitties:
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judaism has a prayer that you recite when you see an ugly person and that is why my heritage is right for me
oh my god what is it called i have to look this up
i don’t know the name of the prayer proper, but it’s basically “blessed are you, G-d, who makes everyone different and therefore not everyone is like that poor shmuck. at least i’m prettier...
if anyone says “smell ya later,” you are legally obligated to murder them
Anonymous asked: Do you brush your hair?
Anonymous asked: I did not know you had a boyfriend, my fantasies are ruined
1 tag
I got my grind on. I used my teeth to grind my food into a bolus before swallowing.
1 tag
kategrice:
tributary:
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why do people use “pretty” as a qualifier?
“oh, that was pretty awful.” ”you’re pretty good at this.” you are probably not talking about the aesthetics of the thing in question, i’m pretty sure of that.
i’m serious and i want answers
supposedly pretty originally used to mean ‘sly’ and ‘tricky’ and that’s why it transmogrified into meaning ‘a decent...
tributary:
why do people use “pretty” as a qualifier?
“oh, that was pretty awful.” ”you’re pretty good at this.” you are probably not talking about the aesthetics of the thing in question, i’m pretty sure of that.
i’m serious and i want answers
snazzykitties:
tributary:
judaism has a prayer that you recite when you see an ugly person and that is why my heritage is right for me
oh my god what is it called i have to look this up
i don’t know the name of the prayer proper, but it’s basically “blessed are you, G-d, who makes everyone different and therefore not everyone is like that poor shmuck. at least i’m...
1 tag
mysterysnake:
tributary:
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elderly people are great because they tell me that i’m pretty when i look like the lovechild of death and the plague
another great thing is that they all have names like “evelyn” or “vera” or “sylvia.” i’ve never met someone over the age of 70 called “megan.”
i’ve never met someone under the age of 70 called “mortimer” or “eunice” or “dolores”. there...
to catch a perp redhanded, apprehend them and force them to touch a hot stove
a couple years ago i was talking with this guy in my class and he said that all puppy love is pedophilia, since kids liking kids like kids. he also wore a fox tail attached to his belt and had decorative glasses.
mysterysnake:
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elderly people are great because they tell me that i’m pretty when i look like the lovechild of death and the plague
another great thing is that they all have names like “evelyn” or “vera” or “sylvia.” i’ve never met someone over the age of 70 called “megan.”
i’ve never met someone under the age of 70 called “mortimer” or “eunice” or “dolores”. there...
tributary:
The reason people don’t take calls to “kill all men” or “topple the white heteropatriarchy” seriously isn’t because they necessarily disagree with the sentiment, but because slogans are stale and sanitized and obtuse. Be original, be creative, reach for a larger audience, and we’ll talk.
why do people use “pretty” as a qualifier?
“oh, that was pretty awful.” ”you’re pretty good at this.” you are probably not talking about the aesthetics of the thing in question, i’m pretty sure of that.
Knives are too edgy for most people to incorrectly handle.
rusija:
tributary:
judaism has a prayer that you recite when you see an ugly person and that is why my heritage is right for me
ur mom is so ugly that when she walked by I whispered “blessed are you G-d, who make all His creations different from each other”
It’s most of my vocabulary
tributary:
i’m a coldhearted killer because if you attempt to stick a thermometer into my heart to verify this statement i will probably kill you
mysterysnake:
tributary:
tributary:
elderly people are great because they tell me that i’m pretty when i look like the lovechild of death and the plague
another great thing is that they all have names like “evelyn” or “vera” or “sylvia.” i’ve never met someone over the age of 70 called “megan.”
i’ve never met someone under the age of 70 called “mortimer” or “eunice” or “dolores”. there...
1 tag
My nose is running so much and so fast that I think it will beat my mile time.
A state of the art would be run very poorly. Artists generally aren’t effective politicians.
Anything that lives underground is under the weather.
3 tags
My blog is a safe space. I’ve equipped it with matresses, full body restraints, padded walls, and a state-of-the-art alarm system.
1 tag
this website is dumb because i can’t hear the audio feature more often than not
tributary:
the power to name your future and potential children is a power both great and terrible. “jadyn,” if you want an example of the latter.
names are serious business. milennial garbage (with an unnecessary ‘y’) is going to sound terrible at the funeral. it’s not a tangent because everybody does indeed die.
tributary:
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elderly people are great because they tell me that i’m pretty when i look like the lovechild of death and the plague
another great thing is that they all have names like “evelyn” or “vera” or “sylvia.” i’ve never met someone over the age of 70 called “megan.”
i want my text posts to explode. i want them to become so popular that they burst and cover the users of this dumb site in strangely green chunks. i want them to make a scene like fireworks on the fourth of july.
“boom! roasted” is an appropriate thing to say only after you have incinerated your opponent with a flametorch
things that make me content include when birds nest in the signs on storefronts and swimming during a thunderstorm, drying off, and realizing that my mother has sent me eight texts telling me to get out of the pool, unaware that i left my cell phone in the gym locker and therefore couldn’t be reached
if you follow back everyone you must be a very busy stalker
*runs up a wall, does a backflip, lands in a perfect split* parkour
you do not need to sum up your fandoms in your url. shocking news. everyone dies of a lightning strike, because what are the odds?
